Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall Read online

  At once I began peeling away the Post-it notes, starting at eye level. I felt really freaked out about seeing myself, so I began reading each message out loud. My mom began to follow suit, reading out loud as my eyes started to track the growing uncovered space of the mirror. And then I started to see myself. Pink! Yellow!

  My mom continued reading from the messages, and I interrupted her, saying, “Mom, stop! Look! I’m seeing myself!” She laughed, as did everyone else.

  I saw color first. The skin of my neck and upper chest was flushed bright pink, and my hair looked pale yellow in comparison. (This always happens when I’m nervous.) I remember thinking that everything looked really lovely. My eyes were sparkly, and my lips were rosy. I had a glow!

  The next thing I noticed was the reflection of everybody staring at me, apparently waiting for an official reaction. I couldn’t help making a joke: “Well, you guys look great!” I exclaimed, feeling a mix of emotions as I turned back to the mirror, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious of the fact that I wanted to really take a good long gander! I was so relieved that my first observations were of color instead of my weight. I felt as though I’d passed an important test. I looked at myself, and then again at all of my friends and family circled around me in the background, smiling. I felt beautiful, inside and out.

  AFTERWORD/REFLECTIONS

  All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better.

  RALPH WALDO EMERSON

  AS I’D PREDICTED, THE END OF MY YEAR WITHOUT MIRRORS marked a point of transition rather than culmination. Here’s what happened next.

  Once I removed the curtain from my bathroom mirror, I quickly found that I’d become surprisingly prudish. After a year of not seeing my naked body, it felt shocking and almost inappropriate to catch glimpses of it as I stepped out of the shower. Instead of staring I’d turn away, as though it was the only polite thing to do. Luckily, I didn’t have this reaction to my fully clothed reflection (indeed, on the morning after my First-Look Party, I spent a few hours trying on most of my closet), so I found the whole thing amusing. Clearly I had a first naked look in my near future.

  And so, three days after my project ended, I guided myself through a solo version of “mirror confrontation” therapy, by getting buck naked, forcing myself to look into my bathroom mirror for what certainly seemed like a prolonged period of time, during which I attempted to describe my body as specifically and neutrally as possible, avoiding subjective and negative statements. I was nervous but shouldn’t have worried.

  Here is what I saw: First of all, I looked pretty much the same as I did when I’d started the project. My hair was shorter, my skin was paler (apparently a common side effect of moving away from Los Angeles), and I noted that the five-ish pounds I’d gained appeared to have settled into my slightly rounder belly. But other than these things it was as though I’d never said good-bye to my reflection at all. Except, of course, my thinking had changed dramatically.

  As much as I tried to stay “neutral,” I couldn’t help admiring my clear skin, pink cheeks, and bright eyes. My lips were rosy, my teeth strong and white, and my pale eyelashes (finally growing back!) seemed delicate and lovely. A glance at round hips, a great ass, strong legs, and slightly outturned feet with high arches finalized the image, and I laughed with my reflection as we kissed our flexed biceps. Well done, I thought to myself, well done.

  All was not perfect, of course. In that first week I also found myself increasingly fascinated by some of the close-up bodily details that I hadn’t even bothered to think about in the past year. Viewed two inches away from my new magnifying mirror, my pores became oddly interesting, as did my eyebrows, and a handful of lone frizzy hairs, which I determinedly tweezed, one by one (though, as did not happen with my pre-wedding eyelash fiasco, I managed to stop before baldness!). I knew full well that imperfect pores, eyebrow stubble, and the occasional frizzy strand of hair would be completely unnoticeable to a common observer, and that obsessing over or “fixing” these things was therefore a waste of my time, but I couldn’t help myself. I decided to just go with it for a few days to see what would happen. So I went ahead and inspected my pores to my heart’s content, an endeavor amounting to a full hour that night! Then I got bored and stopped. Permanently. I haven’t done it since (well, except for the occasional zit).

  I decided then that curiosity, fascination, and neutral self-observation would be a welcome part of my new vanity and body-image repertoires.

  Also, for several weeks after the project ended, I couldn’t help but automatically look away from unexpected glimpses of my reflection. This eased by the beginning of May, after five weeks of being able to see myself. And then, for almost two months, I went through what I can only describe as a vanity relapse. I couldn’t get enough of the world of makeup, hair, and clothes. I shopped excessively, experimented enthusiastically, and even took to snapping pictures of myself once a week wearing newly configured outfits, proudly posting the images on my blog each Wednesday, which I’d renamed Haute Hump Day. Again, even though these fashion shows were admittedly superficial, I went with it to see what would happen. After all, I was finally enjoying my reflection, and after a year without seeing myself I felt I’d earned it.

  My indulgent fashion projects lasted from mid-May through the end of June, until, once again, I abruptly stopped. This time, stopping had little to do with boredom, and everything to do with being too busy to bother. Did I stop enjoying fashion and girlie-grooming? No, but I had other things in life that felt more rewarding, and—thanks to my year without mirrors—I knew that the important people in my life weren’t going to abandon me for lack of lip gloss.

  From that point forward, it was smooth sailing. The calm confidence and happiness I’d experienced in those blissful months after my wedding came flooding back. I went back to my minimalist makeup routine, put away the magnifying mirror for good, and happily shifted my creative energy back to my research, writing, and volunteer work.

  The year 2012 marked the first time in my life that I successfully accomplished every one of my New Year’s resolutions. I tried new recipes, had more sex, continued volunteering with About-Face, and managed to limp my way across the finish line of a half marathon. My decision to “spend less time living on the surface of my body” continues to shape the daily choices I make for my health and happiness.

  I haven’t kept up with my yoga practice, and I no longer wear my hair in a ponytail every day, but I do go barefaced on No Makeup Mondays. Nobody seems to have noticed, which I like. I’m slowly (verrrry slowly) growing out my bleach-damaged hair. With luck I’ll be back to my natural color by the time my second book comes out.

  Sherry and I have become closer friends. She’s begun e-mailing me links to news articles about body image, and I’ve challenged myself to learn to cook her signature culinary specialties. We still surprise each other by showing up to events wearing the exact same shirt, usually from the Anthropologie sale rack. This amuses Michael to no end.

  The About-Face office has become my second San Francisco home. I’ll be donating 5 percent of my book royalties to help ensure that its media literacy programs continue to reach as many girls as possible.

  To help other people who are interested in building a healthy body image without a 365-day commitment, I built a webpage filled with a growing list of body-positive activities and experiments. You can find it at www.kjerstingruys.com/website/Healthy_Body_Imgage_Activities_and_Experiments.html.

  I look at myself in my bathroom mirror pretty much every day now. I like what I see, more so than I did before I gave up mirrors. This is nice, but the biggest and most satisfying change to my life happened when I finally began caring less about my looks than I did about all the other things that make me who I am. If I feel beautiful, I am beautiful, and that’s all I need to know.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I am grateful to so many people who have contributed to
this project and supported me along the way. It would be impossible to thank every one of you without doubling my page count, but I’ve gathered a list of those who especially deserve recognition.

  First, I want to thank my fantastic agent, Mollie Glick, my favorite fast-talking dame, for her enthusiastic support of the book concept in its earliest stages, for her expert guidance through an ambitious proposal submission timeline, and for her spot-on advice throughout the writing and publication process. I am indebted to Beth Duff-Brown for somehow convincing Mollie to take time during her vacation to read my work. Thanks also to the rest of the team at Foundry Literary+Media, especially Katie Hamblin, who was an invaluable advocate for the book, particularly while working on what eventually became a gorgeous and compelling cover.

  Thanks also to everyone at Avery. In particular, I am indebted to Marisa Vigilante, my wonderful editor, who truly shared my vision for the book and provided the insightful editing (and moral support!) needed to make it a reality. Also deserving of thanks is publicist Lindsay Gordon, who kept me steady during a few tight spots by helping me stay focused on the big picture.

  I am indebted to the friends and colleagues who convinced me that a very weird and fairly personal “life experiment” was worth writing about and sharing with others. In particular, I am forever grateful to my dearest friends, my chosen family, who barely blinked when I shared what I was up to, and then rooted for me the whole way: Sarah Schlabach, Laila Coniglio, Elizabeth Joniak-Grant, Tara McKay, Lindsay Bruno, Mandy Ackermann, and Lisa Kietzer. Thanks to Dave Frederick for being the first to encourage me to blog, and for proposing such a creative and apt title. I am also forever grateful to my mentor, Abigail Saguy, for her invaluable guidance on the writing process, and for graciously supporting my venture into public sociology.

  I am extremely lucky to have connected with many mini-mentors and new friends along the way. Thanks to Lisa Wade for providing generous advice about blogging to a technophobic amateur, and for helping me refine my most personal blog post into an essay worthy of Sociological Images. Cara Walker, PR wiz, and Theta Pavis, media specialist for Sociologists for Women in Society, provided timely advice just when I needed it most. I am also grateful for the moral support, structure, and camaraderie I found in the Guerrero Street Writers Group; thanks especially to Lynne Gerber for welcoming me into the club. Autumn Whitefield-Madrano, fellow mirror-faster and feminist beauty blogger, has been a generous and much-appreciated ally throughout our parallel adventures in mirror avoidance, media blitzes, and writing. Thanks also to Stefanie Faucher, my splendid office mate, whose passionate dedication to her own causes continually inspires me to work harder for mine.

  The entire About-Face community of activists and volunteers deserves a thousand thanks for their support and unwavering enthusiasm for this project. I wrote much of the manuscript mere yards away from the About-Face epicenter, where I found body-positive inspiration every day. Jennifer Berger, especially, played a central role in this project through her frequent encouragement, experienced writing know-how, generosity in introducing me to other Bay Area body image advocates, and, of course, the cupcakes. The following About-Face board members and volunteers encouraged me along the way, and pitched in to help make my “first look” a fabulous experience: Lee Ann Bird, Dan Dworkin, Catherine Kelliher, Susan Kimberlin, Yonnie Leung, Elizabeth Nartker, Beth Till, Marcella Raimondo, Stephanie Clowdus, Gracie Janove, Nallaly Jimenez, Suzannah Tipermas Neufeld, Ivette Torres, Stacey Jean Speer, and Tessa Needham. Size-acceptance superhero Marilyn Wann, and Nomi and Mark Dekel of Volluptuart also helped make it the Body Positive Bonanza I’d envisioned.

  I am incredibly grateful to my blog readers, whose heartfelt and often hilarious comments helped me stay the course through 365 days without my reflection. Being able to engage with such a diverse and thoughtful group kept me from feeling alone throughout a somewhat isolating adventure. A special thanks goes out to Marilyn Schmidt, my unofficial secular fairy godmother, whose letters and e-mails offered so much wisdom.

  Sherry Ackermann, my fabulous mother-in-law, deserves special thanks, not only for raising an amazing human being who happens to be my husband, but also for graciously sharing her story and trusting me to write about it. It is impossible to succinctly describe how much I’ve learned through our growing friendship and what it has meant to me. I am immensely grateful.

  Finally, I want to thank my parents and siblings for their love, bemused enthusiasm, patience, and encouragement throughout my year without mirrors, and again as I tackled the challenges of writing my first book. Most of all, thanks to my amazing husband and partner, Michael. You are my favorite mirror.

  RECOMMENDED READING

  On Mirrors

  Sabine Melchior-Bonnet, The Mirror: A History

  Jonathan Miller, On Reflection

  Mark Pendergrast, Mirror, Mirror: A History of the Human Love Affair with Reflection

  Body Image, Self-Acceptance, and Eating Disorder Prevention

  Caitlin Boyle, Operation Beautiful: Transforming the Way You See Yourself One Post-it Note at a Time

  Kim Brittingham, Read My Hips: How I Learned to Love My Body, Ditch Dieting, and Live Large

  Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

  Cynthia M. Bulik, The Woman in the Mirror: How to Stop Confusing What You Look Like with Who You Are

  Thomas F. Cash, The Body Image Workbook: An 8-Step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks

  Ophira Edut, ed., Body Outlaws: Rewriting the Rules of Beauty and Body Image

  Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

  Lesley Kinzel, Two Whole Cakes: How to Stop Dieting and Learn to Love Your Body

  Courtney E. Martin, Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body

  Rosie Molinary, Beautiful You: A Daily Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance

  Robyn J. A. Silverman, Good Girls Don’t Get Fat: How Weight Obsession Is Messing Up Our Girls and How We Can Help Them Thrive Despite It

  Health at Every Size and Fat Acceptance

  Linda Bacon, Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight

  Natalie Boero, Killer Fat: Media, Medicine, and Morals in the American “Obesity Epidemic”

  Paul Campos, The Obesity Myth: Why America’s Obsession with Weight Is Hazardous to Your Health

  Glenn A. Gaesser, Big Fat Lies: The Truth About Your Weight and Your Health

  Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby, Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body

  Golda Poretsky, Stop Dieting Now!: 25 Reasons to Stop, 25 Reasons to Heal

  Abigail Saguy, What’s Wrong with Fat?

  Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Program That Works

  Examples of Other People’s Inspiring Yearlong Life Experiments

  Colin Beavan, No Impact Man: The Adventures of a Guilty Liberal Who Attempts to Save the Planet and the Discoveries He Makes About Himself and Our Way of Life in the Process

  Sara Bongiorni, A Year Without “Made in China”: One Family’s True Life Adventure in the Global Economy

  Vanessa Farquharson, Sleeping Naked Is Green: How an Eco-Cynic Unplugged Her Fridge, Sold Her Car, and Found Love in 366 Days

  Phoebe Baker Hyde, The Beauty Experiment: How I Skipped Lipstick, Ditched Fashion, Faced the World Without Concealer, and Learned to Love the Real Me

  A. J. Jacobs, Drop Dead Healthy: One Man’s Humble Quest for Bodily Perfection

  A. J. Jacobs, My Life as an Experiment: One Man’s Humble Quest to Improve Himself Living as a Woman, Becoming George Washington, Telling No Lies, and Other Radical Tests

  A. J. Jacobs, The Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible

  Judith
Levine, Not Buying It: My Year Without Shopping

  Julie Powell, Julie and Julia: My Year of Cooking Dangerously

  Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun

  Body Politics and Beauty Science

  Susan Bordo, Unbearable Weight: Feminism, Western Culture, and the Body

  Nancy Etcoff, Survival of the Prettiest: The Science of Beauty

  Lynne Gerber, Seeking the Straight and Narrow: Weight Loss and Sexual Orientation in Evangelical America

  Daniel S. Hamermesh, Beauty Pays: Why Attractive People Are More Successful

  Anna Kirkland, Fat Rights: Dilemmas of Difference and Personhood

  Deborah L. Rhode, The Beauty Bias: The Injustice of Appearance in Life and Law

  Esther Rothblum and Sondra Solovay, eds., The Fat Studies Reader

  Nicole Sault, ed., Many Mirrors: Body Image and Social Relations

  Sondra Solovay, Tipping the Scales of Justice: Fighting Weight-Based Discrimination

  Marilyn Wann, Fat!So? Because You Don’t Have to Apologize for Your Size

  Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women